The comic prophecy has finally been fulfilled, and it turns out you’re not allowed to eat McNuggets on roller coasters

It’s finally Friday, so let’s end this week on a high note with another edition of Nightcaps!

Isn’t it wild how, despite it being a holiday week when many of us only have to work four days, things drag on?

I’m not sure what it is, but Memorial Day already feels like it was a month ago.

But hey, that’s what happens when you put your nose to the proverbial rock, and boy, we’ve done it this week.

I feel like I was working from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed, and that included the last thing I did before bed (unless you count listening to oldies radio shows through my Bluetooth sleep mask, in which case it was the second last thing).

All week, we’ve been talking about Bryce Harper’s weird tooth brushing habit where he applies toothpaste directly to his mouth instead of up his nose.

A student tried on Thursday, I realized I had to do my job as a reporter for Big J and do it myself.

So last night, while I was brushing my teeth at my sink and my wife at hers, I switched things up and shot a globe of Colgate Optic White directly into my mouth.

My wife looked at me like I was crazy.

“For work,” I said.

That’s one of the best things about this job, by the way. I wasn’t lying. And I wasn’t lying when I put together a Cuban mimosa sandwich at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday or when I had to sift through Instagram model pages for gold.

Anyway, I was hoping for some kind of life-changing epiphany that this was the way to make toothpaste, but I never got there. It actually felt awkward because I’ve been brushing my teeth the same way twice a day for 30 years, so switching things up felt like trying to write your name with your left hand when you use your right hand.

Maybe try the Harper method, but don’t expect to come back with life-changing knowledge… it was kind of dumb of me to expect that, honestly.

The comedy prophecy has come true.

No single joke is more famous, repeated and funnier than Abbot and Costello’s “Who’s on first?” slowly.

If you really think about it, it makes no sense. I mean, are we supposed to believe there’s a guy named “I Don’t Know” for a third time?

I get it, but it’s hard to wrap your mind around the fact that, at the time, for many people, this was the funniest thing ever created in human history up to that point.

THE STARS OF ‘HAPPY DAYS’ JUST SHOOT A NUDE SCENE (SORRY, KINGS; IT’S NOT DONE OFTEN)

As dated as it sounds, it’s pretty good by vaudeville standards, and now, after all these years, Who – or rather, Who – is finally number one.

How cool is that?

Blue Origin sells under its ‘Anomaly.

While I’m sawing wood, dreaming of being a Viking or going to algebra class with no pants on, the people at Jeff Bezos’ space company, Blue Origin — *Andrew Dice Clay voice*Need money duh!!!! — was preparing to launch a number of satellites into orbit from Cape Canaveral.

It didn’t go well.

That’s right, “anomaly.”

Well, what kind of confusion were we talking about?

…Oh yeah, that’s a big puzzle.

I’m not going to sit here and play armchair rocket scientist, but you usually don’t want rockets to do that.

The result is not good, and unfortunately, this could have negative consequences for Blue Origin and NASA as we work to put astronauts on the moon again.

That’s bad, but not as bad as I expected. From the explosion, I didn’t think you would be able to see any tumors in that picture. I thought all you could fit in the frame would be matchsticks.

Still, it’s a huge bummer and probably the “anomaly” of the century so far.

Your week was better than people’s

I think it’s always good to put things in perspective, and if you’ve had a rough week, at least be thankful you didn’t get caught on a roller coaster.

Especially not on a straight lift hill.

I’m becoming more and more of a boy than before, and this isn’t helping me stop that.

My wife and I went on the new Muppet-ized Rock ‘N’ Roller Coaster at Disney’s Hollywood Studios recently, and while I’ve been on that ride many times when it’s the Aerosmith theme, I jumped out of it woozy as hell.

Same track. Matt.

And that’s a low roller coaster. Such nonsense that I can get stuck in the air like that again got motion sickness?

Nah, I think I’ll pass on that.

And, they won’t even let you eat McNuggets from them anymore.

McNuggets and roller coasters don’t mix; who knew?

Speaking of roller coasters, we have a guy who got banned for life from Six Flags – do you realize what you have to do to get banned from Six Flags – and it was all because he let some idiots on the internet tell him what to do.

A fan told him to eat McNuggets while riding, and when a random person tells you to do something on social media, you should do it.

Sorry, those are the rules. I don’t pretend.

So, Allen Ferrell stuffed chicken nuggets in his pants and jumped on a roller coaster.

I think what got him banned was to sprinkle sweet and sour sauce on all the people behind him, but I personally am in favor of banning anyone who does something stupid in a place in the name of social media clicks in that place.

Oh, what is that? Need to visit the emergency room? Well, you should have thought about that before you ran into the waiting room in a flying T-Rex costume.

Let’s end on a high note…

We’ve talked about fireworks and roller coasters and idiots eating McNuggets on a roller coaster, so let’s wrap up the kind of thing that will send you into the weekend on a high note…

Dogs trying lemons!

ZERO BS. JUST DAKICH. TAKE DOD’S DON’T @ ME PODCAST ON THE ROAD. DOWNLOAD NOW!

This joins a host of funny things dogs can do. It’s up there with kicking over obstacle cones and playing poker in the drawings.

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CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE FOX NEWS PROGRAM

That’s it for this Friday’s show Nightcaps!

Have a great weekend!